Friday, June 13, 2003
FRIDAY MUSIC VIDEO REVIEW PALOOZA!!!
OK, since it's Friday, we'll do a bunch of quick reviews. This'll also help me catch up to the many many videos in heavy heavy heavy rotation, which is fine with me since no one can even find this site, anyway. Thanks, Google.
"Fighter" by Xtina
Directed by Floria Sigismondi
Grade: A-
I'm not a big fan of Xtina at all, and "Dirrty" was pretty damn near a disaster. But Sigismondi is a noted visual stylist, and knocks out a Expressionistic riff on metamorphosis here. And this song is kinda catchy, and -- what's that, a guitar I hear in the mix? The song even survives Xtina's mindless screaming (the girl has a great voice, but can't sing at all, and always resorts to the same damn scream every damn time). All in all, a worthwhile effort.
"Stuck" by Stacie Orrico
Directed by Liz Friedlander
Grade: A
Having directed the early work of Michelle Branch, Friedlander brings another underage nymphet to the MTV audience. The song is catchy, the story is sweet, and Orrico, making her crossover from the Christian pop scene, doesn't come off as a slutty tart. And the fact that she wears a Rolling Stones t-shirt doesn't hurt matters. And the moment where she pulls down on her scarf and looks straight in the camera to sing "There's nothing I can do" is just to die for.
"I'm Glad" by J-Lo
Directed by David LaChappelle
Grade: B+
I don't even know how to deal with this. I think it's ridiculous that J-Lo spends four minutes doing souped-up versions of twenty-year old dance moves, but I have to admit I can't take my eyes off it. LaChappelle's photographer's eye doesn't hurt, nor does the gratuitous skin of the star.
"Breathe" by Blu Cantrell featuring Sean Paul
Directed by Hype Williams
Grade: C-
Despite the return of Hype, I couldn't even get through this video. Memo to Sean Paul: GO AWAY. NOW. Thank you.
"Not Gonna Get Us" by t.A.T.u.
Directed by Ivan Shapovalov
Grade: F
Mindnumbingly inept tale of girls on the run and getting in a truck accident. And the song is grating. They should have quit while they were ahead.
"Girl All the Bad Guys Want" by Bowling for Soup
Directed by Smith n' Borin
Grade: F/A-
I am of several minds on this video: (1) Fun, catchy song. (2) A walk-into-a-pole gorgeous girl. (3) Unbelievable stupid spoofing of Staind, Insane Clown Posse, and Slipknot (hello?). Smith n' Borin have a good knack for casting attractive women, and no idea how to integrate them, or anything else into a video. Could have been a lot better.
OK, since it's Friday, we'll do a bunch of quick reviews. This'll also help me catch up to the many many videos in heavy heavy heavy rotation, which is fine with me since no one can even find this site, anyway. Thanks, Google.
"Fighter" by Xtina
Directed by Floria Sigismondi
Grade: A-
I'm not a big fan of Xtina at all, and "Dirrty" was pretty damn near a disaster. But Sigismondi is a noted visual stylist, and knocks out a Expressionistic riff on metamorphosis here. And this song is kinda catchy, and -- what's that, a guitar I hear in the mix? The song even survives Xtina's mindless screaming (the girl has a great voice, but can't sing at all, and always resorts to the same damn scream every damn time). All in all, a worthwhile effort.
"Stuck" by Stacie Orrico
Directed by Liz Friedlander
Grade: A
Having directed the early work of Michelle Branch, Friedlander brings another underage nymphet to the MTV audience. The song is catchy, the story is sweet, and Orrico, making her crossover from the Christian pop scene, doesn't come off as a slutty tart. And the fact that she wears a Rolling Stones t-shirt doesn't hurt matters. And the moment where she pulls down on her scarf and looks straight in the camera to sing "There's nothing I can do" is just to die for.
"I'm Glad" by J-Lo
Directed by David LaChappelle
Grade: B+
I don't even know how to deal with this. I think it's ridiculous that J-Lo spends four minutes doing souped-up versions of twenty-year old dance moves, but I have to admit I can't take my eyes off it. LaChappelle's photographer's eye doesn't hurt, nor does the gratuitous skin of the star.
"Breathe" by Blu Cantrell featuring Sean Paul
Directed by Hype Williams
Grade: C-
Despite the return of Hype, I couldn't even get through this video. Memo to Sean Paul: GO AWAY. NOW. Thank you.
"Not Gonna Get Us" by t.A.T.u.
Directed by Ivan Shapovalov
Grade: F
Mindnumbingly inept tale of girls on the run and getting in a truck accident. And the song is grating. They should have quit while they were ahead.
"Girl All the Bad Guys Want" by Bowling for Soup
Directed by Smith n' Borin
Grade: F/A-
I am of several minds on this video: (1) Fun, catchy song. (2) A walk-into-a-pole gorgeous girl. (3) Unbelievable stupid spoofing of Staind, Insane Clown Posse, and Slipknot (hello?). Smith n' Borin have a good knack for casting attractive women, and no idea how to integrate them, or anything else into a video. Could have been a lot better.
CONAN THE COMEDIAN
The brilliant Conan O'Brien gave a commencement speech at Harvard in the year 2000. Not timely, perhaps, but more than worthwhile.
The brilliant Conan O'Brien gave a commencement speech at Harvard in the year 2000. Not timely, perhaps, but more than worthwhile.
BONUS MOVIE REVIEW
The Eye
Directed by Pang Brothers
Written by Pang Brothers & Jo Jo Yuet-chun Hui
Grade: A-
The only thing worse than being blind is getting an eye transplant from a deceased lunatic with the ability to see Shadows of Death come to take away the souls of the living. Not to mention the ability to physical manifestations of suicide victims. One would think that's cause for a medical malpractice suit, if you ask me.
Such is the dilemma of Mun (Angelica Lee), an twenty-year old cutie in modern-day Hong Kong. Blind since age two, she overwhelmed to have vision for the first time in her memory. But things go awry once she notices that she can see people that no one else can. This leads her to investigate the background of her deceased donor, trying to rid herself of this grave and frightening affliction.
The plot trades in Asian religious beliefs foreign to most Western viewers. Like The Ring (and presumably the original Ringu before it), the climax and solution hinge on our heroes assuaging the soul of the dead. The plot stays together in a rickety fashion, but the Pang Brothers keep focused on mood, atmosphere, and an eerie intensity. Pacing and scene construction keep such films together, and the Pangs are adept at keeping their audience off-balance.
The film's biggest surprise, and most significant fright, is at the beginning, but must be seen in the theater to be truly experienced. The film's climax is a phantasmagoria of disconcerting beauty. Combined with an affecting lead performance, this directorial virtuousity makes The Eye a must-see for genre fans.
A few random notes:
1. Attention all horrormongers: when you mute the soundtrack, then insert a large BOOM or SCREECH to make me jump, that is not horror. It is the exact same effect as hitting me in the knee with a hammer: I knew it was coming, but my physical reaction is to jump without thinking. I'm not impressed.
2. Attention subtitlers: there is no way that the original film contained such clumsy exposition. And why exactly are there subtitles when no one is talking? I figured out what was happening without your silly little subtitles, thank you.
3. Attention American pop stars: why can't you be like pop stars in Hong Kong? Angelica Lee is a singing star in Taiwan and Hong Kong, and appears in a gripping horror film. Faye Wong, the "Mandarin Madonna", makes a beguiling and charming appearance in the great Wong Kar-Wai's Shanghai Express. Why must Britney insist on subjecting us to Crossroads? And need we start on Madonna? (Though I must admit a partiality for Dick Tracy and Evita.) Is it so hard for a pop star to try something new and interesting? Must they always play singers? Yes, Mariah, I'm looking at you. Yes, I know you played a mob chick in that one movie, but it's not like anyone saw it.
Now, if Wong-Kar Wai made a movie starring Britney, there'd be no end to the greatness. Just sayin'.
The Eye
Directed by Pang Brothers
Written by Pang Brothers & Jo Jo Yuet-chun Hui
Grade: A-
The only thing worse than being blind is getting an eye transplant from a deceased lunatic with the ability to see Shadows of Death come to take away the souls of the living. Not to mention the ability to physical manifestations of suicide victims. One would think that's cause for a medical malpractice suit, if you ask me.
Such is the dilemma of Mun (Angelica Lee), an twenty-year old cutie in modern-day Hong Kong. Blind since age two, she overwhelmed to have vision for the first time in her memory. But things go awry once she notices that she can see people that no one else can. This leads her to investigate the background of her deceased donor, trying to rid herself of this grave and frightening affliction.
The plot trades in Asian religious beliefs foreign to most Western viewers. Like The Ring (and presumably the original Ringu before it), the climax and solution hinge on our heroes assuaging the soul of the dead. The plot stays together in a rickety fashion, but the Pang Brothers keep focused on mood, atmosphere, and an eerie intensity. Pacing and scene construction keep such films together, and the Pangs are adept at keeping their audience off-balance.
The film's biggest surprise, and most significant fright, is at the beginning, but must be seen in the theater to be truly experienced. The film's climax is a phantasmagoria of disconcerting beauty. Combined with an affecting lead performance, this directorial virtuousity makes The Eye a must-see for genre fans.
A few random notes:
1. Attention all horrormongers: when you mute the soundtrack, then insert a large BOOM or SCREECH to make me jump, that is not horror. It is the exact same effect as hitting me in the knee with a hammer: I knew it was coming, but my physical reaction is to jump without thinking. I'm not impressed.
2. Attention subtitlers: there is no way that the original film contained such clumsy exposition. And why exactly are there subtitles when no one is talking? I figured out what was happening without your silly little subtitles, thank you.
3. Attention American pop stars: why can't you be like pop stars in Hong Kong? Angelica Lee is a singing star in Taiwan and Hong Kong, and appears in a gripping horror film. Faye Wong, the "Mandarin Madonna", makes a beguiling and charming appearance in the great Wong Kar-Wai's Shanghai Express. Why must Britney insist on subjecting us to Crossroads? And need we start on Madonna? (Though I must admit a partiality for Dick Tracy and Evita.) Is it so hard for a pop star to try something new and interesting? Must they always play singers? Yes, Mariah, I'm looking at you. Yes, I know you played a mob chick in that one movie, but it's not like anyone saw it.
Now, if Wong-Kar Wai made a movie starring Britney, there'd be no end to the greatness. Just sayin'.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MATRIX RELOADED
Maddox, one of the most insane and entertaining characters on the Web, deconstructs The Matrix Reloaded.
Maddox is in the perma-links at the right, under the handle Hilarity.
Maddox, one of the most insane and entertaining characters on the Web, deconstructs The Matrix Reloaded.
Maddox is in the perma-links at the right, under the handle Hilarity.
BRILLIANT
I have figured out how to send emails from my work to my phone. That's pretty useful, ain't it?
I have figured out how to send emails from my work to my phone. That's pretty useful, ain't it?
FAILURE
I suck ass.
I suck ass.
POINTLESS
I just want to see if publishing this will actually make me show up on the Blogger homepage. I can't get idiot Google to find my page, even when I tell it to search only Blogspot sites.
I just want to see if publishing this will actually make me show up on the Blogger homepage. I can't get idiot Google to find my page, even when I tell it to search only Blogspot sites.
MUSIC VIDEO REVIEW DU JOUR
"I Know What You Want" by Busta Rhymes featuring Mariah Carey & Flipmode Squad
Directed by Chris Robinson
Grade: B+
First of all, Busta cannot sing to save his life. If you saw his live performance of this song on Jay Leno, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I suspect that's why Mariah is in any way related to this song; otherwise, no one would know what the melody actually was. That, and her pulchitrudinous presence attracts viewers to the video.
A good thing, too, because this video is well-made. The story is simple. A friend of Busta's is going out of town, and he'd like Busta to watch over his wife while he's gone (though this is reminiscent of Pulp Fiction, the inspiration is actually The Defender, starring Jet Li).
(Interestingly, according to the ever-reliable MTV, Marcellus Wallace himself, Ving Rhames, was originally slated to play Busta's friend. There were also supposed to be car chases. None of this came to pass.)
Natch, Busta and The Wife have a bit of a thing for each other. What will happen?
What will happen is a lot of fantasy.
First we see The Wife's fantasy, an A-Ha-esque bit of comic book animation inspired by Frank Miller's "Sin City" graphic novels. A cartoon Busta comes in from a rain storm, bringing the romance and passion. Busta's fantasy is a bit more carnal.
Interspersed with this is Mariah, who has no part in the story, except for possibly being The Muse.
Robinson has been shooting these things for awhile, and he knows what he's doing. The story is clear, well-cut, and compelling. The Mariah bit has no relevance; why couldn't they have signed up Mariah to play The Wife? (Not that they went wrong in that department, by the way.)
The husband gets home at the end, and Busta and The Wife haven't touched each other, so all's cool. Except for the Friend's enemies come to kick some ass at the end, to the strains of Busta chanting, "Call an ambulance, come and pick up your people." So there's no happy ending, after all. Do you think Busta and The Wife regret not messing around? For that, we'll probably have to wait for a sequel.
(read an interview with the director from the indispensable MVWire)
"I Know What You Want" by Busta Rhymes featuring Mariah Carey & Flipmode Squad
Directed by Chris Robinson
Grade: B+
First of all, Busta cannot sing to save his life. If you saw his live performance of this song on Jay Leno, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I suspect that's why Mariah is in any way related to this song; otherwise, no one would know what the melody actually was. That, and her pulchitrudinous presence attracts viewers to the video.
A good thing, too, because this video is well-made. The story is simple. A friend of Busta's is going out of town, and he'd like Busta to watch over his wife while he's gone (though this is reminiscent of Pulp Fiction, the inspiration is actually The Defender, starring Jet Li).
(Interestingly, according to the ever-reliable MTV, Marcellus Wallace himself, Ving Rhames, was originally slated to play Busta's friend. There were also supposed to be car chases. None of this came to pass.)
Natch, Busta and The Wife have a bit of a thing for each other. What will happen?
What will happen is a lot of fantasy.
First we see The Wife's fantasy, an A-Ha-esque bit of comic book animation inspired by Frank Miller's "Sin City" graphic novels. A cartoon Busta comes in from a rain storm, bringing the romance and passion. Busta's fantasy is a bit more carnal.
Interspersed with this is Mariah, who has no part in the story, except for possibly being The Muse.
Robinson has been shooting these things for awhile, and he knows what he's doing. The story is clear, well-cut, and compelling. The Mariah bit has no relevance; why couldn't they have signed up Mariah to play The Wife? (Not that they went wrong in that department, by the way.)
The husband gets home at the end, and Busta and The Wife haven't touched each other, so all's cool. Except for the Friend's enemies come to kick some ass at the end, to the strains of Busta chanting, "Call an ambulance, come and pick up your people." So there's no happy ending, after all. Do you think Busta and The Wife regret not messing around? For that, we'll probably have to wait for a sequel.
(read an interview with the director from the indispensable MVWire)
ON ITS WAY...
... the Music Video Review Du Jour.
... the Music Video Review Du Jour.
WUNDERKIND
Music video directing wunderkind Chris Applebaum has just shot a new video, MVWire reports. It's for a band called Fountains of Wayne, of whom I know nothing. The song is called "Stacey's Mom". MVWire's report says that Applebaum's video will incorporate elements of Fast Times at Ridgemont High with Van Halen's classic "Hot for Teacher" clip (dir. Peter Angelus & David Lee Roth).
The title role in "Stacey's Mom" will be played by "Are You Hot?" judge Rachel Hunter.
Applebaum is genius at making amazingly attractive women look even more amazing than you thought they could look: Britney in "Overprotected", 3LW in "I Do", and Willa Ford in "I Wanna Be Bad."
Music video directing wunderkind Chris Applebaum has just shot a new video, MVWire reports. It's for a band called Fountains of Wayne, of whom I know nothing. The song is called "Stacey's Mom". MVWire's report says that Applebaum's video will incorporate elements of Fast Times at Ridgemont High with Van Halen's classic "Hot for Teacher" clip (dir. Peter Angelus & David Lee Roth).
The title role in "Stacey's Mom" will be played by "Are You Hot?" judge Rachel Hunter.
Applebaum is genius at making amazingly attractive women look even more amazing than you thought they could look: Britney in "Overprotected", 3LW in "I Do", and Willa Ford in "I Wanna Be Bad."
GREGORY PECK, RIP
The great Gregory Peck has passed away. Though most would probably choose To Kill a Mockingbird as his best film, my favorite has always been The Guns of Navarone.
Brinkley, Peck ... tough morning.
The great Gregory Peck has passed away. Though most would probably choose To Kill a Mockingbird as his best film, my favorite has always been The Guns of Navarone.
Brinkley, Peck ... tough morning.
WHO DIED ...
... and made Dick Morris center of the political universe? Shouldn't his fifteen minutes be used up by now?
... and made Dick Morris center of the political universe? Shouldn't his fifteen minutes be used up by now?
SAY WHAT?
Novelist Erica Jong comments on Hillary Clinton in the New York Observer:
The woman is stronger than Queen Elizabeth I of England, a greater strategist than Catherine the Great of Russia, braver than Boadicea or the Amazons of old.
What to make of such a statement? I started here with what I did not know: who is Boadicea?
Boadicea was an unsuccessful anti-Roman revolutionary in what is now Britain. She is considered a great hero in British history. (It has been said that the British celebrate their defeats--i.e. Dunkirk--more than their victories.)
Boadicea was beaten by Roman soldiers.
Boadicea's daughters were raped by Roman soldiers.
Boadicea risked her life for freedom. Did Hillary Clinton wage some war I don't know about? Whatever you want to say about the woman, what has she done that's even close to as brave as fighting Romans? The Romans were the fiercest military force in history.
(And where is the Braveheart treatment for Boadicea?)
And greater strategist than Catherine the Great? Is this a joke? Catherine the Great revitalized a poor, starving, and uneducated country. Hillary Clinton designed a health care system that no one liked.
Methinks Erica Jong is getting ahead of herself.
(Got the above quote from in the incomparable Andrew Sullivan, who I'm now adding to the perma-links on the right.)
Novelist Erica Jong comments on Hillary Clinton in the New York Observer:
The woman is stronger than Queen Elizabeth I of England, a greater strategist than Catherine the Great of Russia, braver than Boadicea or the Amazons of old.
What to make of such a statement? I started here with what I did not know: who is Boadicea?
Boadicea was an unsuccessful anti-Roman revolutionary in what is now Britain. She is considered a great hero in British history. (It has been said that the British celebrate their defeats--i.e. Dunkirk--more than their victories.)
Boadicea was beaten by Roman soldiers.
Boadicea's daughters were raped by Roman soldiers.
Boadicea risked her life for freedom. Did Hillary Clinton wage some war I don't know about? Whatever you want to say about the woman, what has she done that's even close to as brave as fighting Romans? The Romans were the fiercest military force in history.
(And where is the Braveheart treatment for Boadicea?)
And greater strategist than Catherine the Great? Is this a joke? Catherine the Great revitalized a poor, starving, and uneducated country. Hillary Clinton designed a health care system that no one liked.
Methinks Erica Jong is getting ahead of herself.
(Got the above quote from in the incomparable Andrew Sullivan, who I'm now adding to the perma-links on the right.)
PROGRAM
There is a computer program that I use in my job that is probably the worst computer program in the history of the world. Just thought I'd share.
There is a computer program that I use in my job that is probably the worst computer program in the history of the world. Just thought I'd share.
INDEPENDENCE DAY
Am I the only who finds it weird that the Queen of England has her own website?
Just another reason I'm grateful we won the Revolutionary War.
Am I the only who finds it weird that the Queen of England has her own website?
Just another reason I'm grateful we won the Revolutionary War.
LAUNCHCAST ...
... is not being ridiculous today. Yet. So far I've got Dylan, The Doors, Aerosmith, The White Stripes, Queen, and Zepellin. Not a bad morning, all things considered.
UPDATE: Why the hell does it keep thinking I want to listen to every remix ever made of Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round"? BTW, "Vicious," if that's you're real name, your mix sucks.
... is not being ridiculous today. Yet. So far I've got Dylan, The Doors, Aerosmith, The White Stripes, Queen, and Zepellin. Not a bad morning, all things considered.
UPDATE: Why the hell does it keep thinking I want to listen to every remix ever made of Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round"? BTW, "Vicious," if that's you're real name, your mix sucks.
DAVID BRINKLEY, RIP
David Brinkley has passed away. I always thought his show, "This Week" with George Will, Sam Donaldson, and Cokie Roberts was far and away the best of the Sunday morning chat-ups.
Of course, Brinkley's greatest moment might have been the night of the 1996 presidential election. "We're in for four more years of bullshit," he curmudgeonly proposed. No one else on-screen had the first clue what to do.
Priceless.
David Brinkley has passed away. I always thought his show, "This Week" with George Will, Sam Donaldson, and Cokie Roberts was far and away the best of the Sunday morning chat-ups.
Of course, Brinkley's greatest moment might have been the night of the 1996 presidential election. "We're in for four more years of bullshit," he curmudgeonly proposed. No one else on-screen had the first clue what to do.
Priceless.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
MUSIC VIDEO REVIEW DU JOUR
"Intuition" by Jewel
Directed by Marc Klasfeld
Grade: A+
You've no doubt seen this a number of times by now, given its almost constant play on MTV Hits. You might have even heard an instrumental version of the song on a commercial for some women's product (shaving cream, razor, or something) called, you guessed it, Intuition.
I'm thinking you already hate this song. Well, I'm not really here to defend the song.
The video is a work of genius. It's a satire of the mass commercialism of our current music scene, and I don't think Jewel's in on the joke. It seems like Jewel is having fun with her new sexed-up image, and the dancing, and the looking glossy and pretty. The song's lyrics exhort us to "sell yourself, just give in," which is clearly what Jewel is doing by letting her song serenade shaving cream. As well as by pushing her chest in our collective face for four minutes.
If you haven't seen the video, it intercuts drab, video footage of Jewel bouncing around downtown Los Angeles with colorful, high production value images of Jewel and her surroundings made to look like advertisements. All of the faux products are named for Jewel; there is Jewel water (yummy) and Jewel basketball shoes (baffling).
Most obviously, the advertisement sequences show Jewel in a new light. She's showing off skin left, right, top, and bottom. One short sequence features her in a black bikini top, another in a scrumptious corset ensemble. This is where most of the attention of the video is directed: Jewel's new image, her new way of selling herself and giving in. Bear witness to her bared witness (to "cleavage and poetry") in the current issue of Blender. (Note for Blender's target demographic, the response to "cleavage and poetry" is "one out of two ain't bad, please pass the bong.")
Midway through the video, Jewel's dancers appear and Jewel "dances" along. Her dancing is fairly nonexistent, but sets up the video's best joke. As the screen is framed with the "JRL" (Jewel Request Live, one presumes) logo, a pseudo-message from a fan in Anchorage (Jewel's Bethlehem) asserts that Jewel's music is so much better "now that she's dancing." This is broadest satire the video brings us.
At the video's climax, hot-to-trot firemen come along and douse our heroine with a fire hose, revealing that beneath her form-fitting white tank top is a stars-and-stripes themed bikini top. A bit over the top, perhaps, but America is the home of the most gross commercialism in history.
This is a complicated text. Jewel sings a song about selling oneself as a commodity, and in the video sells herself as a commodity, only pausing to smile at her dreams in the end. But the image of Jewel and her bust cavorting in front of a sign blinking "Bling Bling" is too absurd for words, and points me toward believing that Klasfeld, our most talented video director since Spike Jonze, is making a joke. Does Jewel realize the absurdity (in the Swiftian sense) of the Bling Bling Moment? Perhaps I'm wrong, and this isn't satire, merely the most cynical career transformation we've seen in a long time.
Regardless, it makes you think, it makes you hum, and it makes you remember that when it comes to being a pop star, cleavage has poetry beat every time.
"Intuition" by Jewel
Directed by Marc Klasfeld
Grade: A+
You've no doubt seen this a number of times by now, given its almost constant play on MTV Hits. You might have even heard an instrumental version of the song on a commercial for some women's product (shaving cream, razor, or something) called, you guessed it, Intuition.
I'm thinking you already hate this song. Well, I'm not really here to defend the song.
The video is a work of genius. It's a satire of the mass commercialism of our current music scene, and I don't think Jewel's in on the joke. It seems like Jewel is having fun with her new sexed-up image, and the dancing, and the looking glossy and pretty. The song's lyrics exhort us to "sell yourself, just give in," which is clearly what Jewel is doing by letting her song serenade shaving cream. As well as by pushing her chest in our collective face for four minutes.
If you haven't seen the video, it intercuts drab, video footage of Jewel bouncing around downtown Los Angeles with colorful, high production value images of Jewel and her surroundings made to look like advertisements. All of the faux products are named for Jewel; there is Jewel water (yummy) and Jewel basketball shoes (baffling).
Most obviously, the advertisement sequences show Jewel in a new light. She's showing off skin left, right, top, and bottom. One short sequence features her in a black bikini top, another in a scrumptious corset ensemble. This is where most of the attention of the video is directed: Jewel's new image, her new way of selling herself and giving in. Bear witness to her bared witness (to "cleavage and poetry") in the current issue of Blender. (Note for Blender's target demographic, the response to "cleavage and poetry" is "one out of two ain't bad, please pass the bong.")
Midway through the video, Jewel's dancers appear and Jewel "dances" along. Her dancing is fairly nonexistent, but sets up the video's best joke. As the screen is framed with the "JRL" (Jewel Request Live, one presumes) logo, a pseudo-message from a fan in Anchorage (Jewel's Bethlehem) asserts that Jewel's music is so much better "now that she's dancing." This is broadest satire the video brings us.
At the video's climax, hot-to-trot firemen come along and douse our heroine with a fire hose, revealing that beneath her form-fitting white tank top is a stars-and-stripes themed bikini top. A bit over the top, perhaps, but America is the home of the most gross commercialism in history.
This is a complicated text. Jewel sings a song about selling oneself as a commodity, and in the video sells herself as a commodity, only pausing to smile at her dreams in the end. But the image of Jewel and her bust cavorting in front of a sign blinking "Bling Bling" is too absurd for words, and points me toward believing that Klasfeld, our most talented video director since Spike Jonze, is making a joke. Does Jewel realize the absurdity (in the Swiftian sense) of the Bling Bling Moment? Perhaps I'm wrong, and this isn't satire, merely the most cynical career transformation we've seen in a long time.
Regardless, it makes you think, it makes you hum, and it makes you remember that when it comes to being a pop star, cleavage has poetry beat every time.
By the way, you can play strip poker against some fairly hot models. After you win, you get like two weeks of emails of the models sending you pictures of them playing with their vaginas and stuff. And it's all free!
OK, so I just figured out how to do that.
It's obvious that no one is reading this, so I don't care. But some tips I read about Google tell me to link to a variety of websites, and Google's computer will be tricked into thinking that you're a useful site.
And, I'm not about kissing up. That's right, I'm talking to you, Lords of Google.
It's obvious that no one is reading this, so I don't care. But some tips I read about Google tell me to link to a variety of websites, and Google's computer will be tricked into thinking that you're a useful site.
And, I'm not about kissing up. That's right, I'm talking to you, Lords of Google.
OK, there are links to the side, and I have idea how the hell to fix them. Oh, well ... there's always this.
Just so you know, there's no reason for this to exist. What would people do before the web? I mean, jobs have sucked forever, so Lord knows what everyone was up to before then ...
